Kestrel
by KeepCounting
Summary: -- "But it's okay. Because we'll see him again". After everything that has happened, Kitty is left alone, her world broken. "If I'm ever ready I'll come back you know." Part one of three pieces. Oneshot.


_So, I've started a series of tree oneshots, centering around Kitty, Bartimaeus and Nathaniel. The first one is from Kitty's point of view, and it's her view of things after everything that has happened. I sort of needed this for my own closure, because the books leave so much open (which I like, actually, it gives me - us - the opportunity to do stuff like this.) This series definately needs some more loving, don't you agree? :)_

_Now, I can't remember what Kitty does with the Amulet after the book is finished, and since it's not avaliable for me right now, please just go with me here, and lets say that she kept it no matter what the book says. Reviews are greatly appreciated :) And any spelling mistakes are my fault: I haven't read it completely through, so I hope my typos doesn't ruin anything for you guys. I also hoped I got Kitty IC, I tried to bring out all her hurt after these things and at the same time show her strength. This sort of leaves a lot open too, but I want you to draw your own conclusions with things that remains unexplained here :)_

_Next up: Bartimaeus. _

_Written while listening to 'Within Me' by Lacuna Coil. _

* * *

**Kestrel**

"Kitty! Kitty!"

The high shrieks of the children reached her ears, and Kitty half-turned her head to look at them, a soft smile on her lips.

"What is it?" She asked as they reached her, stopping before her sitting spot on the bench. They were three, two boys and a girl. The younger boy and the girl (Alex and Stella, if her memory wasn't failing out on her) had the same soft, grey eyes, clearly related to each other. The older boy looked oddly out of place, as if he didn't even know why he was here. Kitty hadn't seen him before, despite often spending time with the kids.

"Oh! This is Nathan!" The girl said, gesturing towards the other boy. Kitty immedeatly went stiff, staring at him. Calm, brown eyes stared back at her, and her heart beat faster.

_But that's not Nathaniel_, she thought. _Of course not. Nathaniel is dead. It's a coincidence. _And Nathaniel had had blue eyes. It was a coincidence.

She relaxed a little, ignoring the twist of pain. _He'd promised_. But there was nothing she could do about it.

"Hello Nathan." She said, nodding at the boy. He smirked, nodding back, and she was tempted to tear out her heart and stomp on it. It hurt, the fact that the boy was smirking _exactly_ like…

But she was Kitty Jones, and she wasn't going to go all heartbreak over something like that. It was a coincidence. Fate had decided that she hadn't taken enough crap already.

"Would you please, please, please tell us a story Kitty?" Stella squealed, pouting all the while. Beside her, Alex was giving her the puppet-eyes, and normally that would've made Kitty laugh and applied to their wishes…

But not today.

Because today was different. As she stared at the boy – _Nathan – _again, she couldn't help but wonder, _why today?_

"No, not right now." She slowly said, not once taking her eyes off the boy. As if afraid he would disappear.

_In a puff of smoke, a teasing grin on his face, or perhaps in a building exploding over both him and his servant, his friend in the last hour…_

_Her friends. _

"Perhaps later." She said, as the two youngsters started protesting. "But not right now, okay? Today isn't a good day."

"Did something happen today?"

Kitty jolted, as she heard the oldest boys _– Nathan – _voice for the first time. Her eyes widened, as she stared at him, her mouth went dry, her hands were shaking. She _knew_ that voice…

He was smiling at her, but she couldn't see if it was a smile or a smirk.

"Yes." She whispered, clearing her throat and trying to calm down. _It's a coincidence, it's not real, of course it isn't. _"I…" She trailed off, tearing her gaze away from the boy's soft brown eyes. Looking at the small group, she realized that Stella and Alex had gone terribly quiet too, staring at her with serious expressions.

"Did something bad happen today?" Alex asked in a whisper. Kitty frowned, then smiled softly and reached out to gently pat the boys head.

"Yes. Something bad."

"Something bad happened a day here too." Stella suddenly said. "Dad died." She looked down as she said it, and her lips where quivering, shaking to hold in the tears that Kitty knew would spill as soon as the girl was alone with her brother.

"He'd said he'd come home." Alex went on, not looking at his sister, but at the other boy – _Nathan – _instead. "But he didn't."

"Sometimes… sometimes these things just sort of happen." Kitty said, all the while a monster was tearing at her chest: no, these things _didn't_ just sort of happen! If you'd said you'd come back, you came back! If you'd promised to get out of there alive, then _you came back alive_.

Because it wasn't fair to leave people all alone, wasn't fair to take the last thing they'd thought they could grasp away from them.

Stella came with a small sound, then suddenly looked at Kitty with bright, shimmering eyes, that didn't shed a tear.

"But it's okay." She said, suddenly smiling and radiating warmth like the sun. "Because we'll see him again."

"Of course." Kitty said, her words coming out choked. She wasn't going to point out the naivety of those words, because she knew that, deep down, she believed so herself. She _hoped_ so herself.

She needed to, or she would go insane.

--

"_This is just lovely, isn't it?" Jacob asked, his marred face broke into a huge grin that Kitty couldn't help but reflect. _

"_It is." She agreed, a feeling of content washing over her. They were sitting by a lake, enjoying the feel of the summer warmth, and the cool breezes that would fly in past the tree's and silently greet them before moving on. _

_Yes, it had truly been long since she'd felt so at peace. _

"_I'm looking forward to return to London though." Jacob said, staring into the sky with his hands folded behind his head. Kitty raised hers to look at him, otherwise lying in the same position on the grass. She could feel an ant crawl on her leg, but was too lazy to push it off. _

"_Yeah…" Kitty mumbled, not wanting to think about that now. She wasn't going to go back to London with Jacob, and he knew it. _

"_I'm thinking about returning in a week or so." He went on. "Or perhaps longer. What do you think?"_

_Kitty laid an arm over her eyes to block them from the sun as she opened them again. _

"_I think you should do what you think is best." She simply mumbled. Jacob sighed quietly beside her. _

"_Kitty…"_

"_Jake, just don't, okay?" She simply said, cutting him off. She knew what he wanted to do, knew that he was going to protest, try to talk her into returning with him. _

_But she wasn't going to. She wasn't ready. _

"_If I ever… If I'm ever ready, I'll come back, you know." She quietly said, halfway hoping he wouldn't hear her words. But from the way he tensed, she knew that he had. _

"_So… there's a chance… that you won't be coming back at all?" He sounded disappointed, and Kitty wanted nothing more than to jump up and hug him and tell her best friend that of course she was coming back, she would stay with him all the time and help him through everything, but…_

_But she wasn't going to make a promise she couldn't keep. _

_That would hurt them both too much. _

"_Jacob…" She slowly mumbled, then sighed. "Jacob, since that day with the black tumbler, I've lived my life on a whim: I've put everything else aside, with one goal in mind. And I _failed_…"_

_Jacob cut her off here, as she knew he would. _

"_You didn't fail, Kitty! They're rebuilding a whole new republic, a better place to live, a place where magicians and commoners actually cooperate successfully instead of us being repressed!"_

_Kitty sighed. "But the Spirits are still in slavery, are they not?" She whispered. Jacob looked at her oddly. _

"_I really don't understand…" He mumbled, and this time it was Kitty who cut him off. _

"_No, I know you don't." She said. "And I'm sorry." She stood up and he did the same. They looked at each other, his arms folding defensively over his chest, hers hanging slack down her side. She knew she would never get him to understand that _she_ had failed and Nathaniel had succeeded. And Bartimaeus had failed in a sense too. But it was her plan all along: hers and Nathaniel's, they'd dragged him into it. _

_And he'd had to give up his life, for a cause that wasn't even his. _

_It hurt to even think their names, a small pang in the place where she was sure her heart had once been. But now it had been ripped out and thrown to the ground beside an exploded building, in where they'd been laid to rest now, buried under iron and wood. _

"_My point is that after spending my whole being on dedicating myself to this, I…" Kitty trailed off, not sure how to express herself. "I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just need to get away a little, find out _why_."_

_She didn't elaborate on the why, and he didn't ask her to. To be honest, she didn't know 'why'. There were so many possibilities: why had it ended like this? Why had it started in the first place? Why had everything been conspiring against them?_

_Why, why, why, why, why had they died?_

_Why had she been left alone?_

"_I'm sorry Jacob." She mumbled. "But I'll… I'll write to you."_

_He sighed, looking down. "Yeah." He mumbled something she couldn't hear, kicking a little at the grass with his left foot. Then he looked up at her again. _

"_So, where do you plan to go?"_

_Kitty shrugged, having been asked that question one time before. "I don't know. Egypt perhaps." It wasn't actually a 'perhaps'. She knew she would go to Egypt, right now, in a month, in ten years… whatever she chose; she knew she would somehow end up in the place where she felt it had somehow all started. _

_Perhaps then, she could finally let go of two persons, two persons she'd known too shortly, two persons who'd changed her whole world, and had then been snapped away from her, before she could get a proper grasp on the situation. Before she could even get to know the properly. _

_She thought of Ptolemy, who'd only been with Bartimaeus for two years. How long had he been serving Nathaniel? It couldn't be too long, considering that he was around her age. _

_Had been. _Had been_ around her age. _

_He wasn't anymore. He never would be. He would never grow old, watch his children and grandchildren play around, wouldn't have a peaceful death. _

_None of them would have what she had been given: a life. _

_--_

"You can just drop me off here." She said to the driver, smiling when he replied in his very bad English. She handed him his money, and maneuvered her bag out of the taxi, placing it on her back as soon as she was out. She waved at the driver as he took off, leaving her standing alone before the building.

She looked at her guide-book and her notes again. Yes, this was it. The place where Ptolomaeus' dead body had been found.

She slowly walked up the front steps, nearing the door, holding out a hand to open…

… And dropped it again. She couldn't do it. She didn't have the courage.

Who did she think she was? As if she could _ever_ walk in the footsteps of someone like him. Sure, she'd done the same, crossed over to the other side, but that was all. The way Bartimaeus spoke about him, she knew that he was something more akin to a God than a man. She briefly wondered how it would have been like to meet him in real life, and she instinctly knew that she would have liked him.

He'd been a good man.

She wondered what had happened, in those last moments of his life. Why hadn't Bartimaeus saved him? Had he not been there, had the attackers fled as soon as the job was done?

Knowing Spirits and their occasional blood-thirst, she knew that wasn't very likely.

She guessed it was just another of those questions she would never get an answer on. She could feel tears press at the back of her lids, but forced them to retreat.

There were a lot of things she would never know, a lot of things the books and magicians couldn't tell her. As it was, a lot of things had changed, for the better, but it still remained the same.

Turning around, she noticed a tall, Egyptian woman look at her with an odd expression, as if wondering what a tourist was doing, just standing there. Kitty did her best to smile at the woman, but it faltered a little. It must have worked however, because the woman smiled softly back.

"Hello." She said, her English flowing in a soft accent that fit her somehow. Kitty found it a little easier to smile, and gingerly nodded at the woman, moving down the steps to stand before her.

"Hello." She said back. The woman extended her hand.

"My name is Agatha. You've come here to see the grave of Ptolemy?"

Kitty stiffened, her hand still in the other woman's. "How did you…?"

The woman smiled. "You didn't go in. Only those who choose not to are the ones who really wish to see it."

Kitty had no idea what Agatha was rambling about, but she still found herself following her, as she walked to the entrance.

"Come on. I will show you." She flashed Kitty a brilliant smile, opening the door. A gust of sand flew out from there, hitting Kitty in the face. She closed her eyes and turned her head away, trying to ignore the prickling that her skin felt as it came in contact with the rough grains. She dusted it off her face and looked back at Agatha, still standing in the door-opening.

"You said it was the grave… but didn't he die here?" She slowly asked, curiosity peeking: she'd looked up a lot to find his actual grave, but no records had been shown. She figured it had been some kind of private ceremony, seeing as how it was the Pharaoh's son who had had him killed.

"Yes, and the people buried him here." Agatha said, beckoning impatiently for Kitty to follow. "As a thank you: he was much loved among his peers. Most of them at least."

Kitty hesitated, but then her feet moved as if by their own force, and she found herself inside the dimly lit room.

For a short moment she was thrown back in time: she could clearly see the boy on the floor, panting from loss of the blood that was seeping out from his wound. The door behind her was closed, and she could clearly hear the incoming enemies, they were so close now. A vase had been thrown to the floor, a table sat in front of the door, as if perhaps it would make a difference to the demons chasing them.

And over Ptolemy's wounded form was a giant warrior with a lion-head, cursing and growling, its mane full of blood spilled. Kitty didn't know if it was blood from his master or the enemies that had caused their situation.

"Over here." Agatha's voice was even softer now, her eyes twinkling with warmth as she looked at Kitty. The girl moved, walked past the table in the middle of the room, the vase placed neatly against the wall.

There was a niche, nearly impossible to see if you didn't get close enough: its dark shadows where falling over swift engravings on the wall. There was a small altar, dried out and long dead flowers along with the skeletons of small animals lying there.

"Not many sacrifice to Ptolomaeus anymore." Agatha said, placing a small bouquet of fresh desert flowers on the altar. "But he rests here, in a place where he hopefully can find the peace his cousin refused to give him."

All of the sudden, the urge to cry hit Kitty even harder than before.

--

_She'd been in Prague, Germany, Egypt, Greece, Ireland, Denmark, Norway and Africa, before going to Egypt yet again. This time, Kitty went to Ptolemy's tomb alone, gingerly placing a single flower there. _

"_I'm sorry." She whispered. "I tried. I tried so hard, and yet, it failed. Perhaps it was always meant to fail. Perhaps someone will one day have the strength that none of us had, and they will change it. I hope so." She touched the wall, letting her fingers running over the inscription, feeling the rush of a past still lying broken in the corners. _

_It wasn't until she stepped outside yet again, that Kitty decided she had to return to London now. _

_She was ready. _

_She'd been gone for nearly ten years: in that time, her body had gradually returned back to normal, and she now looked more the age she actually was. She still sometimes found strands of gray when she brushed her hair, but it was nothing visible, and they were fading too. Despite her joy at no longer looking fifteen years older than she actually was, she still felt a little reluctant at the fact: soon, there would be no traces left. No visible sign of what she had done, what had happened the night she had crossed to the Other Place, the night she'd gained so much and lost it in the same heartbeat. _

_She cut her hair short, packed her belongings and put the last letter to Jacob in her pocket. She would give it to him when she arrived at the airport. Or the harbor. She still wasn't sure which way she would choose: she just knew that she was heading home. _

_He'd hugged her firmly as she had arrived, tears running down his ruined face. It wasn't until then Kitty realized how much she'd missed them too. _

_She couldn't keep pushing everyone around her away. _

"_Would you help me do something?" She slowly asked, clutching at something that had stayed hidden in her pocket for ten years. _

"_Of course Kathleen. Anything."_

_She smiled at him, taking him by the hand and leading the way. _

_The place was still in ruins, as if no one had dared touch it, despite all the years that had passed. A small wall had been raised around it, and Kitty could see a few sparrows and crows watching her and Jacob intently as they opened the gate and walked inside. She figured they were djinni, but they didn't move to attack as they neared the ruins. _

"_This is where they died." She said. Jacob had moved to stand a little behind her, letting her pay her last respects. "So much for keeping promises."_

_She had her head bowed, staring at the ruins just at her feet. A few tears escaped her eyes, rolling down her cheeks and the bridge of her nose, before falling freely onto the soft grass that was setting everything around the ruins in a new light. _

_She pulled the Amulet out of her pocket, looking a little at it and drying away the tears with her sleeve. She should return it. Or bury it here, along with Nathaniel and Bartimaeus. _

"_Thank you for everything." She mumbled, desperately hoping that they would somehow hear her. "For dying for us. For believing… in me. Thank you."_

_She put the Amulet back in her pocket, turned around and left the place, Jacob as a supporting shadow at her side. As they neared the gate, Kitty suddenly stopped and turned around, staring at the birds on the wall. _

_Only one of them was still looking at her, its intent gaze set on her. It was a small kestrel, and Kitty wondered why she hadn't seen it before. She stopped for a while, staring back at it. Jacob poked her shoulder, asking what she was doing. They needed to get going. _

_Kitty was smiling as they left the place, tears still pooling behind her eyes._

_--_

"I guess I could tell you a story." She mumbled to the kids. "But I don't know which one you would like."

Stella clapped in her hands, and Alex smiled, all sadness gone from his features.

"Tell us the one about that demon who can't keep his mouth shut and his silly master!" He shouted, jumping up and down and making Kitty laugh.

"You know, I'd rather not." She said as she sobered. "Any other story, but that today."

"Oooh… did something happen to them today?" Stella asked, her eyes wide. Kitty just nodded, and held up a finger to shush them.

"How about the one with the mad skeleton?" She asked, looking at Nathan too. "How would you like that?"

The three kids cheered loudly as Kitty began her tale. For once, the memories didn't hurt as much, despite the date of the day.

As she finished, it had started to get dark, and Kitty knew she had to send the children home.

"And then the brave, brave heroine saved the nasty wizard from the Golem with the help of the djinni, and everyone lived happily ever after." If only it had happened like that. Of course, at that time, she would have laughed loudly at such a prospect: living happily ever after, still friends. She guessed they all three would.

"And now you must be going." She said to them, looking at Nathan all the while. She'd remembered where she'd heard the boy's voice amidst her telling.

"Hey." She therefore said, taking him gently by the arm as he turned to leave. Stella and Alex where already a little away, chatting happily about golem's and what not.

"You're teaching magic, aren't you?" She gently asked. "You're Mister Regens principle, aren't you?"

"Yes Miss Jones." Nathan said, looking nervously at her. "I'm not in trouble, am I?"

"Not at all." Kitty hesitated slightly, wondering if she was doing the same thing. Then she reached into her pocket, pulling out a certain Amulet with a red gem in its middle.

"Nathan, do you know what this is?"

"No Miss. But it's magic." He said, looking at it closely. As Kitty watched him, she knew this would be a good decision: he didn't have any greed about his gaze, only slight curiosity and fascination.

"Well, then find out." She said, lifting up his hand and placing it in his open palm. "Just remember that this is a tool of protection, and it must be used as such."

He frowned and she smiled.

"You'll understand soon enough. Follow your heart Nathan, then everything should work out."

"Yes Miss. That's what my Master says too Miss." He said, looking proud. Kitty smiled even wider: this had definitely been a good decision.

"And Nathan… if you are ever in the need of help…" She trailed off, looking at the boy. No, he didn't look like Nathaniel. And he wasn't Nathaniel. Which meant that he wouldn't make Nathaniel's mistakes, and hopefully not hers. He would grow up in a different way, and perhaps, he would have the tools to correct their failure.

"Summon the djinni named Bartimaeus. I doubt anyone else will have done it: he's assumed dead." She grinned then, her beautiful eyes twinkling. "And if – no, when you do, show him that." She gestured to the amulet. "And tell him that Kitty said hello."

Nathan frowned, looking closely at the odd lady whose eyes for a moment seemed to go glassy, as if tears where welling up in them. Then she was smiling again, and all those traces where gone.

"I will Miss." He mumbled, smirking slightly at her. "I will."


End file.
